Irving Berlin - If The Managers Only Thought The Same As Mother

[1st verse:]
There's no mistake that I can act
I'm talented and that's a fact
I know, because my mother told me so
She kept a house for actor folks
And listened to their funny jokes
So now I guess my mother ought to know
But managers are awful dense
It seems to me they have no sense
I know my darling mother wouldn't lie
She thinks I'm better than the best
But managers think I'm a pest
And all they say is, "Go somewhere and die"

[Refrain:]
If the managers only thought the same as mother
You bet I'd show them all a thing or three
They'd have starred me in "The Thief"
For it's mother's firm belief
Margaret Illington could never steal like me
If the Shuberts only took a tip from mother
I'd be starring like a star was never starred
Leslie Carter and that bunch
Would be at Childs serving lunch
If the managers only thought the same as ma
[2nd verse:]
My mother goes to all the shows
She knows what ev'ry woman knows
She knows Maude Adams knows a thing or two
But when she saw her in that play
She said to me that very day
"My child, she doesn't know as much as you"
So I got busy with my pen
And wrote to Charlie Frohman then
I asked him if he wouldn't star me quick
His answer nearly knocked me dead
For in his letter Charlie said
"I didn't even know that you were sick"

[2nd refrain:]
If the managers only thought the same as mother
I'd act like Sarah Bernhardt never did
Harry Miller would forget
Margret Anglin you bet
He would want me as his real supporting kid
If Frohman only took a tip from mother
He would label me as Frohman's only star
Missus Fiske would take a drop
To some Broadway candy shop
If the managers only thought the same as ma