Adam Kay - Menstrual Rag

Once a month your girl's upset
She goes to Boots to buy Lilets
It happens every 28 days,
When she's in her Luteal phase.
All she does in moan and nag,
You go five days without a shag
There's no cunnilingus
You can only use your fingers
When she's using a menstrual rag.

For the week or two preceeding
The days your other half is bleeding,
The moody bitch is in a stress
Complaining about PMS and,
When her womb has started sluffin,
You won't be eatin any muffin,
Two, four, six, eight,
Come on girls, lets menstruate.

Heavy flow or gentle spotting,
Running down her legs or clotting
All that lining that she sheds leaves
Nasty patches on your bedsheets.
Just don't waste your efforts pleading You won't be shagging when she's bleeding
The Methenamic acid means you might as well be flaccid
When she's using a menstrual rag.

It's hard to be all that devoted
When she is looking fat and bloated
From all the water she's retaining,
While her pants have nasty staining.
You won't be doing any groping
When she's losing haemoglobin,
Two, four, six, eight,
Come on girls, lets menstruate.

Get those Bodyforms with wings,
And grab your Tampax by the strings,
And TENA lady's sanitary pads,
Come on boys you've seen the ads.
This dance is sweeping through the nation,
Here's three cheers for menstruation,
Its the latest craze
Every 28 days
They're all using a menstrual,
Using a menstrual rag.