Jon Lajoie - The Phonecall

[dialing]
[Bob (Jon):] Can't believe this.
[B:] I'm gonna kill this motherfucker.

[sigh]
[Jake (the other guy):] Hallo
[B:] Hello, Jake

[J:] Uh, hi there Bob. How is it going?

[B:] Well, I'm just fun-fucking-tastic, Jake. How are you?

[J:] Oh, you know. Can't complain.

[B:] That's just fucking great.
Hey. I just spoke with my neighbour who lives across the street,
and he told me that you came by my house today. While I was at work.

[J:] Oh, uh. Yeah, yeah, I just popped in there for a few minutes.

[B:] A few minutes? My neighbour says it was more like three hours.
So what could've you been possible doing alone in my house,
with my wife, for three hours?

[J:] Oh, no, no, no. Look I-

[B:] 'Cause you see, a guy like me can get suspicious.

[J:] Listen, uh. I can explain everything. I, I-

[B:] Oh, I want you to explain.

[J:] It's not what you think, um.

[B:] Well, please, enlighten me Jake, 'cause I'm really fucking curious
to know what you were doing.

[J:] Look, it's nothing. It's stupid, really. I, I went over to your
house, around one o'clock ([B:] huh), and I fucked your wife
and then I left.

[B:] Really...

[J:] Really, I swear. I went over, I fucked her for a while, and
after we both came, I just went home.

[B:] Is my name Forest Gump, Jake?

[J:] Um, what?

[B:] Answer the fucking question! Is my name Forest Gump?!

[J:] Oh, well, no.

[B:] So why are you treating me like I'm a fucking retard. You expect me to believe that you were in my house for
three hours and all you did was fuck my wife?!

[J:] I came over, she, she blew me there for a while ([B:] aha)
I came, so we had to wait for a while. Then we had sex in the
kitchen, for a while, then we had sex in the living room...

[B:] You're fucking lying to me, and I really don't like it Jake.
You were in my house for three hours!

[J:] No, no. It's not like that. You see, we had sex a few times,
and then she wanted more. She said she was really wet and feeling
dirty and she wants more than one cock inside of her ([B:] Hm).
So we called your brother to see if he wanted to come over and
get in on the action, and, and he said 'Yes!', so we waited around
for about an hour. That's, that's why it took so long.

[B:] Hmm. My brother? ([J:] Uhm)
You and my brother double-teamed my wife?

[J:] Oh, yeah, yeah. We gave it to her boy. In every hole.

[B:] Aha. See, that's funny. 'Cause my brother's in Miami this week. I find
it hard to believe that my brother flew all the way to Miami here, to
double-team my wife with you.

[J:] Oh, well, uhh...

[B:] And you know what the funny thing is? The facet in my kitchen has been
leaking for three months now. And suddenly today, of all days, it
decided to stop leaking.

[J:] Uh, oh, oh.

[B:] I'm gonna give you one last chance to answer this question. And if you
lie, I guarantee you, you're gonna regret it. What where you doing in
my house today?!

[J:] I'm, I'm sorry. Your wife called me, and I didn't, I didn't.

[B:] ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

[J:] Your wife wanted me to fix the facet, 'cause she couldn't stand the dripping
noise anymore. I didn't want to do it, but she begged me!

[B:] And what did YOU do?!

[J:] I fixed it. I fixed the facet. I'm sorry!

[B:] You motherfucking, cocksucking piece of shit, you fucking fix my facet, you
backstabbing FUCK!, I'm gonna fix your face, you hear me?!

[J: (crying)] I-

[B:] I'm gonna fix your fucking...